Thursday, 26 November 2009

My decision to go Unassisted - 'A paradigm shift'

The decision to go unassisted was deffinatley a gradual thing. There are many different reasons that people are doing UC and I am sure just as equally, many different ways that they reached that desire.

For me, to reach this decision invovled a lot of healing, soul searching and research (four years of it so far and I think it still a continued thing and will be for the rest of my life - though I imagine that part of the shift will have more to do with developing an open mind and understanding and accepting others for who they are and their choices...One day I am sure I will have my own daughter-in-law lmao).

I had the same 'shift' (as some have called it) in my parenting when my son was born. I grew up in many fosters homes - many abusive in more than one way...and I sometimes wonder if I would be the parent I am today without that. Its kind of the same to where I am today in regards to my body, my baby, birthing - and just being a woman and mother in general. My son was born via C-section and I often wonder if I would be where I am today without that. I am one of those people that do not have 'regrets' because I can see where my past has brought me on my path today.

For us - UC just feels right. If there is one thing I have learned as a mother, it is how to listen and trust my instincts. This is just a gradul and learned thing as well. I get this feeling and then I know its right. That was the only thing 'sudden' about our decision to UBAC - that feeling of 'right'.

Becoming a mother changes everything, as well all know. It changes our view of the world in a major way. Suddenly we are responsible for a life that we love more than even our own life. I had also been doing the 'reclaiming my body and the rest of myself from mainstream thinking and living' as someone I know on the Freebirth forums has called it. This too also started with my son and me becoming a mother. I felt I was also helping him to reclaim his body and the rest of himself from mainstream thinking and living as well after his traumatic and jerky entry into the world. Whilst I have read many birthing stories and know that in many ways I was lucky as our birth was not as traumatic as some very close friends that I have - I can only imgaine what it must have been like for my sons soul and placement onto this earth. With him, we stepped away from modern medicine and entered a world of alternative therapies. With this knowledge, we were also able to concieve the child I carry today when 'modern medicine' could not help us (in either way that I needed - physically, emotionally and spiritually). Trusting my body, being comfortable with it and the woman that I am came through this. Alternative therapies are a different emotional world as well. They are a whole healing rather than just a surface scratching. This was part of the healing that I needed in my body and my heart. All of this of course has deffinately been contained by my own research and practice and experiences through life and motherhood - something that has taken time during my own healing over the birth I had. This has also, for me, invovled a bit of spiritual healing and growth as well. I feel whole once again. Without this feeling of wholeness, I am not sure I could be where I am today - with the decision to UBAC. Though research has deffinately helped - sifting through the fact from fiction and empowering myself to take control of my body, that was only a very small part of the decision to UBAC. Though its reassuring to know that I will not rip apart and die by having a birth at home after a C-Section or that a breech baby can be born perfectly normally and healthily and thats it perfectly fine for the placenta to take three hours or more to birth and all the signs to watch out for if anything is not going 'smoothly' and the probability of anything going 'wrong' ...etc...all of this gathered pregnancy and birthing knowledge/information probably helped me heal more from my sons birth that it did in helping me decide to UBAC this time around. This of course was much needed either way.

I am not sure there was any 'one' shift. I guess the shift is a gradual thing but I do feel there was a 'shift' of some kind. I think for me this happened more recently (hence my recent decision to announce our current plans to UBAC! :D). At the begining of this prengancy I knew I would be having a home birth. The thought of going unassisted has been there since we started to TTC (especially ever since I saw the Freebirth documentary that aired here first in the UK) though. But at that point in my life, it felt more like a 'nice' thing to do if I 'could' rather than something I felt I had to do. I didn't want to go into something because of an 'ideal' - if I was going to UBAC, it had to be the right decsion for me - for us. And up to the point where I am today, it was just a nice 'ideal'. For me, the final decision to go unassisted was through that feeeling of 'right' that I got - that was it, it just clicked. I think this feeling of right was helped through the connection of a close friend and support groups such as forums like Joyous Birthing and BornFree! (and through the gradual connection that I have with this little baby growing inside of me). I am not one to comform for the feeling of fitting in and I no longer feel it is just a nice 'ideal' - but it certainly feels nice to be understood and supported and talked to like a human - an individual spirit that is right and desrving.
This is no longert my 'birth plan' - it is what will happen.

1 comment:

Migration of Light said...

Good for you mama! We are planning our first UC as well. :)