Starting again...

How can we call it much of a 'break' when it is impossible to ignore all your fertility signs and to have such a (despite the miscarriages) consistant cycle?...
I am now at the start of another cycle - which means I am not pregnant despite last months frolicks. Which also confirms my thoughts on DH and the 'quality' (so to speak) of his sperm (of course the 'problem' could still be with me once pregnant but there is no doubt we could all improve). We have had a good long talk though and he has agreed to make some changes. I have no hope in hell at this moment for him to stop smoking but he has agreed to make a change in what he does smoke and for now we will give the pure loose tabacco a go (which has to be better then the chemically saturated crap he smokes now!). When we conceived our son, he was in the process of quitting - or at least not smoking at all due to the fact that he was at my parents house (which meant that he could not). Regardless, I have no doubt (and those scientists who have done all the research on it can prove I am sure!) that smoking is part of the 'problem'.
However, my conclusions about the progesterone cream - Natpro that I use - have also been confirmed! It is lovely for my skin (in more ways than one!) - I have had only one spot this cycle (and it only just popped out today!). It has also improved my AF! I am having no cramps! - and no thick chunky clots (in case you were not aware, thick chunky clots are not normal!) and my lower back pain is hardly there at all! (not to mention, I am pretty sure I have no or hardly any PMT!) I have no doubt that this is an improvment caused by my use of natural progesterone cream. However, I am pretty sure that it is the cause of my 'monthly' contipation as well (though easily fixed with a few diet changes hehe) - but compared to how my 'periods' used to be...dare I say that they are actually now rather...well I can't think of the word! I want to say 'welcoming' but seeing as I am trying for a baby, they are not welcome at all...but I think you get the idea!
So here is to a new start...hopefully! A few changes, and perhaps we will have some luck!

Natpro

Natpro is my natural progesterone cream that I use. I have not been using it long enough in a non-TTC mode to be able to report to you all the wonderful benefits that natural progesterone cream is supposed to have on a woman who suffers from painful periods and other general womanly discomforts but I have to say that I have no complaints about it...in fact, I think as a general cream, it is wonderful! I can not really say if it is/will/can help me hold onto a baby (I believe that if I do indeed have low progesterone, that it will and can) - but it is proving to be wonderful to my skin! Normally, my skin clears up quite a bit around ovulation and when AF is around the corner, I get rather spotty! Well, either I am pregnant (which would be wonderfully welcomed as I also have clear skin when I am pregnant! hehe) or this cream is really wonderful for my skin (perhaps both!). I apply it every morning and evening around my ovary 'area', my lower back, my neck and my face as my face gets rather dry in the winter months. Now, usually because I have such sensitive skin and break out easily I am wary of what kind of 'lotions' I put on my face but Natpro has no smell, is not oily at all, and absorbes quickly. It leaves my face feeling fresh and wonderful - and not dry at all despite such harsh dry and cold winter weather! And...my skin is clear (not a spot in sight)!
I love also how all the ingredients are organic and natural and that each ingredient is clearly listed with its purpose (as to why it is in the cream!) - instead of being in the dark about what I am putting on my skin, I can feel good about the product that I am using!
Time can only tell for the rest.... Deffinitely a recommended item though!

Hopeful, Conclusions

So the time draws near again...that 'time' of the month. I am due AF sometime around Christmas. I am of course hopeful that our earlier frolicks this month have landed us with a success in the baby making department. At the begining of this cycle I started on the progesterone cream again (Natpro) and unlike our last try I have been on it now for my whole cycle and not just after I have ovulated. I will continue to stay on it until at least 10 weeks of pregnancy, if I should ever get there! Of course we are not actually 'trying', but we were not preventing either and I know roughly about when I ovulated so there is a pretty good chance there...which brings me to some conclusions: The first month that we set off in TTC was unsuccessful - the months after that we were. The only difference was that my DH was not on any supplements (specifically aimed towards TTC). So, if we are not successful this month (and as we are not actually 'trying' - DH is on no supplements) that leads me to believe that part of the 'problem' lies with him (and I think this would have to do with his smoking). I came to this conclusion in that we fall pregnant when we are supplemented, but are unsuccessful - despite having sex before, around, and after (just in case!) ovulation - when we are not on supplements (and by 'we' - I mean DH). What other conclusion could there be? I find it highly unlikely that one could not fall pregnant otherwise with so much baby dance juice (hehe) around for the time of ovulation! So why are our babies not sticking? Well the blood tests they did came back normal so there are no answers there, that 'problem' could have been down to unlucky chance or perhaps a real problem that lies in either of us (I am thinking that 'problem' is more likely to be mine). So if I have to suffer another miscarriage, then I will be going back to my GP and asking them specifically what tests they did exactly and what other tests could perhaps be done.
If I am pregnant, I will know when my period has not showed up ...despite all that has happened to me since our journey began, my cycles are still very regular. But I will be too afraid to take a test and just will be holding on to hope until I get to a place where I feel it is 'safe' enough to not worry about about m/c again! I asked my DH if he would like us to tell his parents in the new year if I am indeed pregnant (I will know full well by then that I am if AF has not arrived!) and he said that perhaps he should wait... Maybe he does not have much faith in this? I am not sure if he is just being naturally cautious and does not want me to get my hopes up and hurt again as I have before, or if he is being pessimistic. I am not sure how either really make me feel!
At least Christmas is just around the corner! - I have more than a handful of wonderful things to keep my mind occupied!

In a depressed funk

Sigh*... It happens...usually around the time I ovulate. I get such in a depressed funk - it's hard to get out of. It does not help that everywhere I look, people seem to be pregnant or just had a baby! What is it with that?!!! I can also find for you every reason why this seems to be unfair as well! I just found out yesterday that someone I know is pregnant with their fifth child...FIFTH! - and their youngest is only 12 months old!...is it a blood competition or something!
UGH!!!

Got my results!

And they are all normal - so 'no action'.
Sigh...
It is good and bad news. It is good news because I am healthy and normal according to the results (and I was mistaken - they took 12 vials and not 10 like I though! lol)...
But it is bad because it means there is no reason for the miscarriages that I had meaning that it was just plain bad luck. It makes me afraid to get pregnant again because of course I will always be worried that I will just have another miscarriage!
I do not think they checked progesterone though - so I am going to stick with the cream for awhile. It can not hurt.

We got a bit frisky last night and as we are not exactly 'preventing' a pregnancy, theres always a possibility there. We are still 'taking a break' for awhile (until March now) but if the mood arises, will not take any measures to prevent a pregnancy if it were to happen. I keep hoping that this might be what we need to do in order to get lucky, but I am also not very positive about it I guess (because of my fears of another loss) - but as we are not actively planning at the moment I can do nothing but relax and just take things as they come - because there is no need for me to think about it!