Thursday, 30 April 2009

Endometrial lining

Well - I think I know what caused my second miscarriage.
Last night I thought I would google 'causes of frequent miscarriages' and found this link. It is actually full of info and gives you the opportunity to carry on your own research and where to go from there, etc.

But something stuck out to me as the possible cause to my second miscarriage.
A little background detail first: I am pretty sure I suffer from mild endometriosis. This has not been confirmed yet by any 'professional' but all the 'signs' suggest it is so. In fact, this has me royaly pissed off of my GP because without even listening to me and with no hard evidence, he is stuck on the idea that I have PCOS. Now, I am no professional - and regardless if there are different levels/stages of PCOS, I have none of the symtoms what-so-ever... Whilst a lot of my symptoms suggest something else instead! The progesterone cream has helped greatly with these symptoms I feel are endometriosis related - which only, to me, confirms my suspicions.

Back to my second miscarriage. I was going to wait a few cycles before trying again but lack of patience got the better of me. I thought I did my 'research' on why doctors suggest you wait awhile before TTC again after a miscarriage and there was no hard evidence for the need to actually wait when you could jump right onto the TTC wagon again. My only worry at the time was actually the possibility of 'catch-up' ovulation which would have resulted in multiples - not exactly my dream! hehe But maybe I should have?:

"Avoiding pregnancy over the two subsequent cycles following a miscarriage will reduce the possibility of exposing a conception to an endometrial lining, which may not be capable of sustaining a pregnancy."
What came out of me during my second miscarriage looked greatly like endometrial lining. It looked like hard rubbery chicken skin (yeah - eww!). It looked like this (the picture on the top right). I knew it was uterine lining at the time and was not overly concerned by the apperance of it. But thinking about it now and reading a bit more about it, I am pretty sure it was endometrial lining - which might have been what caused that miscarriage as it would not have been capable fo sustaining that pregnancy.

My hospital appointment seems too far away. I hope they listen to me there though. I will not leave until I feel satisfied they are doing all they can do! Why would these issues be causing me problems now? I actually do not feel it helps at all when people says I have one healthy son so I can have another baby as well. body has changed a lot since then. I wouldn't consider myself 'infertile' but secondary infertility is a real thing. Something is up with my body. Hopefully something that can be fixed!

Wednesday, 29 April 2009

Not a hope in hell right?

Because I am getting nothing on my pee sticks today ... :( I even took the digital (after I bought a few more on ebay!) and it said 'Think again!' (well it didn't really - it just said 'not pregnant' but it might as well have said that)...Sigh
I think I was pregnant this cycle - at this point I am just really confused.

Tuesday, 28 April 2009


This cycle is driving me insane. My 'symptoms' seem to be all wishy-washy right now. I keep taking tests and not getting much more than 'evaps' (though I still stand on my 'evap theory') - But I took this this morning...FMU...then took another (SMU) (thats 'first morning urine' and 'second morning urine' in case you were not sure! hehe) and it came up PINK right away! - The picture was taken before the three mintues and DH can see them too!!! (and thats saying something in this house!!!)...

So what do you think? Would you be convinced enough by that? Would you just let yourself be happy? Do I have a sticker?

Sunday, 26 April 2009

The ups and downs of hopeful happiness

Up and down - up and down... This whole TTC thing is a bloody carousel!
I did take a test this morning and something very faint was there right away and pink - which leaves me hopeful! Of course my DH still says he can't see anything yet which makes me wonder. It's nice that my friends and internet support buddies can all see my super fainties when I can manage to get a photo of them (I couldn't of the one this morning for some odd reason!) but it would be nice for my DH to be able to see them as well. Leaves me not very hopeful but sometimes I wonder if he is holding out of me - he is blind as a bat (though yes, I know - bats are not really blind :p). I think, like him, I want to see the 'pregnant' on a digital test as well. But not being cheap, I will save that one for the end of next week I think! (with all the progesterone cream and other pills/tinctures/etc I am taking - TTC and trying to hold onto a pregnancy is not a cheap thing!)
I do however wonder why my 'symptoms' feel so strong and 'there' but the tests are not showing how strongly I feel yet (such as in a very dark line!...)...okay okay...I know I know...still early days! At the least I am 8DPO! hehe...I also do not feel hopeful when I wake up and do not feel pregnant/experience no symtpoms at all...of course, shortly after getting up and moving around they all come flooding back to me! - That leaves me up and down like no tomorrow!!!
Another new symptom though is that my 'inner lips' (errgh...I hate that word! lol) - are turning into a new shade of purple. Which apparently can be a sign of pregnancy due to all the extra blood flow in the area!?!

Saturday, 25 April 2009

More symptoms...

Today I am getting sharp pains in my boobs! (will they be feeding a baby in 9 months?...I am hopeful!) - My lower back pain has gotten worse - I also feel it in my hips! (is my body changing to carry a baby...still hopeful!)...And my middle of the day temp (not first of the morning temping temp) is pretty high! - Ranging from 37.1-37.3! (and thats high for me - I usually am 36.6 - which is techncally low for human, but hey - I have poor circulation! lol) Oh oh annnndddd...I am having some pretty vivid dreams the past four nights! - And I am pretty tired by mid day (was lucky I could have a nap this afternoon - that was really helpful...but you know, it's hard work growing a baby :p ;) hehe)...
I also think my sense of smell has changed slightly.
I also still have implantation like that uterus ever expanding to carry my baby???
But regardless - I still am getting super fainties on my pregnancy tests (mind - I am only 8DPO I think!)...and mind again, I keep swearing I will not test in the morning so FMU (and SMU!) go down the drain (so to speak hehe) and then by the time I cave in and do test, its in the late afternoon and only been an hour or two since I last had a pee...So what do I expect?
I will try and test Monday morning with FMU - I hope I get something pretty and pink then!!!

Thursday, 23 April 2009

Symptoms thus far...

So - I am pretty convinced I am pregnant with the few super faint pregnancy tests I have taken so far, but here also is a list of my further convincing symtpoms!

*(I experience these before AF, but only up to three days at the most before AF - Never this early on in a cycle!)

1). Lower back pain
2). Gassy (way!)
3). Tender breasts

*(something - somewhere in between...)

1). Athlete's Foot (or thats what I think it is anyhow) (I usually get this the day before or the day or during AF - but never this before - and don't ask me why...something to do with hormones?)
2). Pubic hair loss (yeah - strange...But I notice that the day before or the day or during AF, I lose pubic hair - never any other time...AF isn't due for like a something else hormonal?)

...either way... they are things I have never experienced before during my previous pregnancies - perhaps a very good sign this one will stick?!!!

*( I do not experience these before AF at all)

1). Tender nipples
2). Creamy (super!) cervical membranes
3). Continuously high cervix
4). Implantation-like cramping (and with the progesterone cream, I never have any cramping at all with AF - and if I do get cramping, it is always once AF is established!)

Conversation with DS:

Me: Am I pregnant Duncan?
DS: Yes!
Me: Is it a boy or a girl?
DS: It is a boy (the first two pregnancies he said it was a girl, the last he said it was a boy - this he also says is a boy...wonder if he is right? hehe...)
Me: Oh! - So you will have a brother then?
DS: Yes.
Me: Will you love your baby brother?
DS: No.
Me: Will your baby brother love you?
DS: No!
Me: Will I still love you?
DS: Yes!


Wednesday, 22 April 2009


Todays updated pregnancy test (non-FMU/diluted spur of the moment pee! hehe)....

Tell me you see it - tell me you see it!!!

~~~~~~~~~~Sticky Vibes!!!~~~~~~~~~~

Cautiously hopeful

Sticky vibes for me please!!!
I think...really think...hope...I am pregnant!
I took a test yesterday and today (three in total really now hehe) and am getting something there - really light...but something is there. Evap perhaps? And I have had many other signs though as well - including this 'implantation cramping' I have been feeling the past few days now - and having been pregnant three times already in the last 9 months, I think I know what that feels like by now! ...

But I will tell you this...I think and feel that 'evaps' are myths. I have never had an evap that did not gradually turn into an obvious very pink/red positive pregnancy test. So only in hindsight do I know my evaps were really just very light positives. So perhaps those that are not pregnant - really were (because we are all crazy and impatient and test super early hehe) hindsight they think they just had 'evaps' but really just had a chemical pregnancy?

I just want to be happy. But I am finding it hard to be happy - I have not lost hope though. I want to be able to shout to the world - 'I am pregnant!!! We did it! - I have a bun in the oven!!!'...But I don't want to feel stupid or look stupid or whatever. I don't want another heartache. I want this to be over. I just want to be pregnant and stay that way already. I just want a baby. I guess you could say I am cautiously hopeful.

Saturday, 18 April 2009

LH Surge, ovulation spotting, Mittelschmerz and so forth...

And in that order!...Well I *think and *hope that this is what I have been experiencing the past 24 hours and that means that I am/have ovulated!

The story so far...

Yesterday morning I woke up and had an unusually low temp - 36.6... (pre O-dip?)
(that night) Last night I got into the bath. I figured since I was cleaning myself, I could then check my cervical fluid. EWCM - with a little tiny reddish-brown streak in it. Hmm...(gearing to O?)...
But its 'early' for me. CD14. 'Normal' O for most people - but having a longer cycle than 'normal', I usually O around CD18-CD24. However, two cycles ago when I was on maca - I strangly O'd CD13 which is WAY early for me! I will admit to being on Agnus Castus (Vitex) this cycle round - which could be the cause of early ovulation for me (if I am indeed ovulating early).
I got out of the bath and had to use the toilet. TMI coming... I did a pee and a poo and when I wiped (dabbed really - the vagina area first - mostly because I wanted to see/check my cervical fluid which can be pushed down and easily seen on white toilet paper after a bowel movement - just info for those that don't fancy having a finger dig haha)...There was blood!...Well, it was clearly blood (what else could it be?!) but it was pinkish rather than red. It looked like diluted blood. Not a lot - just a few wipes and then it was all gone. Another Oing sign?
Well this morning - no huge temp rise. Did I No more 'blood' either though a few more brownish streaks amongst my cervical fluid. So perhaps the 'blood' was caused by LH surge meaning that O was going to happen soon...gearing up to go... (and not O itself?)...
And I have also had some mittelschmerz throughout today as well. At least, I think thats what it is. It sort of feels like what my past implantation cramping feelings have been - just not as 'sharp' feeling and more dull feeling.
This is all new stuff for me despite TTC for as long as we have been now. I have had mid cycle bleeding before but it just so happened to be a month that we were skipping due to just having had a m/c and being advised to hold off for a month in order to get some tests underway - so I did not really pay attention to that cycle...
I wonder if I will see a temp rise tomorrow.... there is no way to know until then or the day after really... I think I have O'd early but I should not be thinking about stuff like this at all! It is not good for my patience and stress which I am trying to keep chained up in the loft so I have them under control! hehe
My life seems full of sighs recently!

Thursday, 16 April 2009

My appointment - it's here!

22nd May! Not too long to wait then. However, it is at 9:15 in the morning! Yikes!...But I am afraid to ask to get that changed because that then means waiting longer! And maybe I won't need that appointment! - You never know! But it is there waiting for me all the same!

Sunday, 5 April 2009

Low Dose Aspirin

I am not doing really good with the whole 'wanting but waiting' thing. However, I did find it a relief this month to not think about TTC much at all and to suddenly get my period and look and think 'oh wow - yeah, right on time...another cycle come and gone' without feeling like I didn't hold my breath the entire time. So - I have decided, after research and going back and forth arguing with myself to give low dose aspirin (75mg a day) a try pre-hospital appointment, because I just do not know when that will be around. If it will help - I can not say for sure but I can say I feel pretty safe in taking it regardless.
But - we are still not technically TTC, we are just not preventing. I had a talk with my DH about this and he is fine with not prevening if the mood should arise. However, because I do not want to stress about it I am not going to come to him if I am in the 'mood' because I do not want the stress there in me thinking 'will this be our baby?' and him thinking 'she only wants me to make a baby'!
So I feel good about this because I can not just sit here and do nothing and watch my cycles come and go - but I also can not take the stress of TTC. So I am doing neither ...and maybe we will be lucky.