Tuesday, 26 May 2009

In control

I need to feel in control again.
I have been doing a lot of thinking and research.
I am pretty sure I suffer from mild endometriosis. This means my hormones are out of balance. I am not having a problem conceiving - just staying that way.
So I have been thinking, that even if I went the medical (NHS) route - what exactly could they do to help me to conceive? Probably nothing that I would be too willing to try just yet...surgery, artificial hormones, etc... (yuck).
So for the moment I am going to take matters into my own hands.
I have read good things about Burdock and its ability to cleans the blood and liver - in effect, cleansing the body of excess estrogen. I have also read great things about Vitex and its ability to balance the hormones. Now - I know Vitex works as I have taked it for two different cycles and noticed its effect (such as ovulating earlier than what is normal for me - which is a good thing as I normally am a late ovulator! hehe) - But it is one of those herbs, that to get its full benefit, one needs to be taking it for a longer period of time.
I am also going to buy a she oak childbearing mix - which is an essence.
I don't think my body is that out of balance because my diet and exercise (and weight loss) have made some changes already ...but if by November (or when I can't handle it any longer!) - I have not conceived - or have but not held - I will move onto the acupuncutre and crystal healing for a little extra outside help. But I feel pretty confident in this current plan of approach...I just need patience I think.

Friday, 22 May 2009

My Appointment (can I just say 'grrrrr!!!...')...

Well that about sums it up really - GRRrr!!!

I think I spent more time in the waiting area than actually talking to this so called 'fertility specialist'. My DH took the day off so he could take me to the hospital for my 9:15 - AM! - appointment. It required us to get up earlier than usual and due to the time, despite actual distance, (due to 'work' traffic) - we had to leave around 8AM to get there at a reasonable time.

I had DH drop me off and go to the playground with Duncan - Duncan is used to that kind of good bye and seems to know that I will then be coming back. I did not know what the appointment would invovle and I knew he would not be happy if he had to leave me at any point - But being in the car and driving away with daddy seems to be okay for him. So thats how we did it.

Anyroad...I am finally called in (45 mintues after my appointment was actually scheduled for). They took my blood pressure, height and weight (and BMI - all of that stuff) and then we sat down and started talking. I let her ask all the questions first. Some of the questioned kind of surprised me (and she just started with them). Was I married, how long for, etc. (what does that have to do with my fertility?) She wanted to know if I had had any other pregnancies ...and this is where I started to get annoyed. Look miss...I've been sent here by my GP....all of this has been covered by my GP (including 12 different blood tests) - apparently the GP has done all they can do there which is why I have this here hospital appointment...Surely all of this should have been covered...espeically as the root cause of my need for such an appointment is due to my multiple miscarriages. So yeah...I HAVE been pregnant. I never showed my annoyance though. I am the kind of person who never uses customer service or has my DH 'fix' things because I don't like to bother people (I was starting to wish that DH was there...looks like nothing was going to be done, Duncan might as well have come). I guess this might be because I have worked in customer service. When I fluffed out my feathers a bit and told her my concerns (blood tests of low testosterone/not PCOS/possible endometriosis/etc...) and my thoughts (I mean, I've come all this way right?) - she brushed it off as 'these things happen' and 'it's nothing I am concerned about' (her words! - Great...who cares if you arn't fucking concerned...I AM!) - followed by the 'You have one son already, so clearly you are capable of getting pregnant and carrying to full term'... HELLO! - Does secondary infertility not fucking exsist - is that just a term I have just made up myself?! Clearly people do suffer from infertility issues despite the fact they already have a child. Secondary infertility is a real thing. Something is going on here - something is not right - something is not normal - something needs fixing! (This was my chance to be bold and pushy) she simply said 'Well, I guess we could arrange more blood tests for you.... if thats what you want'. No...don't be concerned about me at all!!! I even ended up blurting out that I am not one of those people who makes up an illness for themselves to get attention - I wans't there to get attention - just answers!

So five (that 5) - mintues later I left the office with nothing but more blood tests scheduled (and a comment of 'I guess we could do the same blood tests again as well...'). eh?... Sigh...Oh arn't I just such a waste of your fucking time!...

Honestly - that appointment could have been done over the phone and saved me the stress and time wasted! GRRRRrrrr!!!

Perhaps she thought she was trying to reassure me...but thats the kind of thing you do to a woman after one...maybe two miscarriages... Not at the point in TTC where I am though. (Oh - she didn't even know what TTC meant! - I put everything down on paper for her and found myself abbreviating things...oh well...)...I am past reassurance. It's time to dig in and get answers! Is that so much to ask for?!

DH is going to look at his health care plan he has with his company (its private healthcare). For an extra fee he can add me onto it - but that will only be worth it if that covers fertility care/etc. It's worth a look anyhow. I am also feeling I will have more respect and concern given to me in the alternative therapies department - so I am going to give acupuncture (there is a fertility acupuncture specialist near-ish to us in Bristol!) a try and crystal healing (which is in Cheltenham near where DH works!). Really looking forward to that!

Wednesday, 20 May 2009

I would have been due today...

The past few days have been hard for me emotionally. I try not to think about it. Of course, I can't not think about it for long. But if I get too caught up in it, I feel I will reach a point of no return ...so I need to take things lightly in order to move on. I found this: 'Baby in my heart charm' - It is something I feel I will get in memory of the ones I have lost - though not seen (despite a few positive lines on a stick).

How do you love a personwho never got to be, or try to envision a face you never got to see? How do you mourn the death of one who never got to live. When there's nothing to feel good about and nothing to forgive? I love you, my little baby,my companion of the night. Wandering through my lonely hours, beautiful and bright. What does it mean to die before you ever were born, to live the lovely night of life and never see the dawn? Ah! My little baby, you lived like anyone! Life's a burst of joy and pain. And then like yours, it's done. I love you, my little baby, just as if you'd lived for years. No more, no less, I think of you, the Angel of my tears. ~Author Unknown~

Sunday, 10 May 2009

Endometrial lining...again...

So I am now pretty sure that I was pregnant and just had another chemical pregnancy/miscarriage. My temp finally dropped this morning followed by some pretty intense uterin cramping and discharge that looks very much like endometrial lining (or what I assume it looks like really). Not as thick and lumpy and as huge amounts as before (after my second miscarriage) but very different from my average period discharge (despite that that is usually pretty clumpy as well - unless I was using my natural progesterone cream).

So I decided to take some pictures of it - this is an afternoon shot; what I got this morning was much bigger in size (about half the size of my hand) and slightly thicker with less blood (so more ' clear skin' in colour as you can see in the second picture). These pieces are smaller though I do hope they show what I am on about.

Saturday, 9 May 2009

Low Testosterone

When I last had my blood tests done it was found that all results were normal - however, my testosterone levels were slightly low (for women averages). A sign of this can be low libido - which I have! hehe
My GP thinks I may have PCOS - I think hes full of doo-doo. He mentioned my testosterone levels as part of his conclusion that my 'problem' is probably some type/stage of PCOS.
I bet GP's and Doctors love those with the internet and know how to use google. (of course, I am by no means saying that makes me a professional in everything and/or that everything I read is sound and true in its statements - but it does educate me some what on my own body, how it works and what could possibly be going on with it - what the GP's/Doctors do not tell you)...
So I thought 'well - what does low testosterone mean for a woman and her fertility. And low and behold... It usually does not mean much but it does affect the hormones and has most to do with affecting progesterone production... PROGESTERONE.... Ha!
Back to my endometriosis 'problem' conclusion... (and NOT PCOS! - Of course too much testosterone is also not a good thing and what usually is a sign of PCOS...but not too little of it...)
You need appropriate amounts of progesterone to carry a baby. At the end of your cycle, your progesterone levels drop - which is what brings on your period. No baby = no problem, AF as usual. But if there is a 'baby' growing there ...that means you can have a very early miscarriage. With progesterone levels not being high enough, your body can think its time to start a new cycle again and be 'unaware' of the little potental life growing there...
Low levels of progesterone also cause endometriosis - which make the uterin lining not very nice for the potential baby implanting process. This is something I think I had a problem with that showed itself clearly during my second miscarriage.

Bring on my appointment! - 13 Days to go!

Friday, 8 May 2009

My oddest cycle yet!...

I have no idea what is going on!!!
I have had six ...SIX days of spotting so far (99.9% brown) - but my cervix is still high and my temp is still a post-O temp as well (not as high as it has been a week ago - but still high).
This is highly unusual for me. Despite all that I have been through the past year - my cycles are still pretty predicatable in many ways. There are - or were - many cycle facts I could state (such as always three days of tender breasts before AF, low cervix before AF, temp drop and then AF, etc)...I guess those are all out of the window. I took a digital test this morning and it said 'not pregnant' - So nothing I can do but wait. If no flow has arrived by Monday....maybe I will test again. Perhaps with one where I can see the lines though I am not quite sure I can trust my eyes at this point.
It is just all tooooooo odd at this point.