Thursday, 26 March 2009

Wanting but waiting - again...

So here I am - again. I guess you can say we are officially not TTC any longer. Until I get some answers anyhow. I have been waiting for my appointment and it has not arrived yet so I called my GP back again and he said he sent off the referal the 16th of March - so my appointment could arrive as late as June! Thats a ways off but not too long. I hope it comes sooner.
I am too afraid to try right now. I am filling my time with things that need doing before a baby comes along (such as losing weight - though I am not fat, I just want to be skinny - at least a 'diet' is giving me some control over my own life as everything else seems to be so out of my control right now!) so I can give myself no other choice but to wait. I feel if I try, I am just dooming another new soul to a short life and quick death and I do not know if I can go through that again right now. To be so happy and then have that taken away from me just as quickly.
I feel so out of control. I feel like the world is not fair.
So, back to the 'wanting but waiting tribe' for me.

Wednesday, 4 March 2009

Another appointment...

So I have called my GP and asked more specifically about the tests that they have done, and even more specifically, if they have done any tests for blood clotting disorders. They have not done any tests for blood clotting disorders and they have done all they can at the GP's - but he has refered me to the hospital now to another fertility specialist where they can check me over more (both inside and out) and see if there is anything they are missing. He thinks, if anything, that it is PCOS (he says that I have low testosterone levels that are just under the 'average' mark and is usually an indicator for PCOS). Which has me confused as my cycles are normal with normal ovulation, etc...But he says that there is more than one type of PCOS. So I will wait for this appointment and go from there!

Sunday, 1 March 2009

Chemical Pregnancy

Well thats what they call them, and thats what I think I have had.
I did have three (each on a different brand of - Two different types of internet cheapies and a First Response) positive pregnancy tests (though very faint) last week. But slowly my pregnancy symptoms started to go away (no more tender nipples and no more sore/tender lower back for example) and now...nothing. Not even an evap. Last night I had spotting, so here comes AF. Slightly late as well I think, though I am not sure for this cycle because I ovulated (and thats pretty much confirmed!) so much earlier than I normally would (thanks to the maca!).
Whats wrong with my body? Fates cruel joke? It will happen when I stop trying right? ...Well, how do I stop trying? - How do I stop wanting a baby?
For the next few months I am taking a break...and yeah, I mean it this time. I am going to focus my energy on something else that needs doing - weight loss. We shall see how that goes. I will be using SlimShot (and I don't usually buy/fall for that kind of stuff but I have a few close friends who have used it and lost a stone in a month with no real diet/exercise changes in their life! - So why not? Can't hurt either way). I need some control in my life right now, I feel completly out of it and its making me a very depressed and angry person which in turn is making me not the best mother I can be to the son I already have. Perhaps this will be the start on the road to acceptance and maybe I will be blessed with a bundle of joy along that road as a surprise gift for my patience? Sigh...Why is it that everyone I know seems to have no problem having a baby then? Why is it that they say 'We are going to try for a baby!' and the next thing you know, they are pregnant? Why can't I try too?
Think I will also get blood clotting disorders checked out (if the GP hasn't already).