Thursday, 17 July 2008

My current thoughts and feelings

Today was the last day of my period. I am having a lot of thoughts and feelings about concieving and bringing another little life into the I guess anyone in my position would!
Sometimes I feel excited and in love at the prospect. In love is the best way to describe it. I feel in love with my family and more in love with my son than ever. It's strange to think that bringing a life into the world, whom I will love with all of my heart, causes me to love my son even more - to fall in love with him all over again. A year ago, I used to worry about loving more than one child. I used to wonder how I could do that and if I would have enough love for more than one. I know this is a normal thought and worry when talking about this with other parents who have more than one child. I see now that this is more than possible though. I feel now that your love just grows as your family grows and it just gets stronger everyday. I have no worries or doubts at all about loving another child. I feel I will have more than enough love to go around!
But then sometimes, usually by the end of the day, I get scared and sad. I think I feel a sort of loss. This sadness I think is because there will be a loss - but not a bad one, so to speak. It will sort of be like ending a book. My son and I will be ending a chapter in our lives, but we will be starting a new one. So it's not the end...I guess it's just another begining...which is what is sort of scary as well. But if we don't take chances, then I guess we will never know what the ending for us will be like when we get there and we could end up spending the rest of our lives wondering and just being afraid.
I know deep down we are ready. Ready as we will ever be. From here on out we are open to the possibility. I knew I was ready when the thought of an 'accident' did not 'freak' me out anymore. Creating another child, creating a sibling for my son has been well worth the wait and if it takes longer than planned, it will still be worth it. I am just glad that I have waited. It won't be a terribly large age gap - but I think it will be just perfect for our family. Not too large and yet not too small.
Today my son was playing with a baby doll at Cafe Club (we go to every Thursday - a two hour playgroup with lunch for both of us for only £2!) - he was putting it in the toy baby bath and washing it. It was lovely to watch. I don't know how many times I got choked up today...too many to count.

My love is still growing.

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