Sunday, 22 February 2009

Evaps - The thin (barely visable) line between hope and disapointment (once again)...

So I am horrible at testing what? There is more to it than that of course. It is an inner struggle. To test early, or not? And how early? And what about fate and luck and everything counted against me? After two miscarriages (even early), you start to get a little paranoid - especially when everyone says 'It will happen when you arn't trying'. That statistical (or so called) based comment just is not helping. Nope. I have tried not trying. I did not try very long. I have even convinced myself that there are months that we should 'skip'...well that logic has just been thrown out the window through desperation.
I just want a baby!
So now I think I ovulated much earlier this cycle. Possibly due to the maca? - Apparently it can cause early ovulation. That early though? At the most I am 13DPO today (CD25) - At the least, 11DPO. So possibly still too early to test? I feel pregnant though - I have all the symptoms. But do I want it so much that all these symptoms (tender nipples, lower back pain, gas, funny taste in my mouth, high creamy cervix...etc) are just in my head. Can TTC make one go clinically insane? I have always wanted to try shrooms...I guess this could be second best?
Evaps can give you hope though! ...There is something there at least (and I have never even had 'something' there when I have not been pregnant!)...I see it I see it!...Well, its not very pink - but its something! Right?... Why are my evaps not getting darker then? No wait...they are! Wait, can evaps get darker? Am I pregnant - I'm not pregnant. I am so depressed. I will not test tomorrow... Too late - stop me now!!! At least all this peeing on sticks helps pass the time. I keep telling myeslf, its not over until the red lady sings! But its not over yet until I see anything remotely pink...PINK! Ugh