Low Dose Aspirin

I am not doing really good with the whole 'wanting but waiting' thing. However, I did find it a relief this month to not think about TTC much at all and to suddenly get my period and look and think 'oh wow - yeah, right on time...another cycle come and gone' without feeling like I didn't hold my breath the entire time. So - I have decided, after research and going back and forth arguing with myself to give low dose aspirin (75mg a day) a try pre-hospital appointment, because I just do not know when that will be around. If it will help - I can not say for sure but I can say I feel pretty safe in taking it regardless.
But - we are still not technically TTC, we are just not preventing. I had a talk with my DH about this and he is fine with not prevening if the mood should arise. However, because I do not want to stress about it I am not going to come to him if I am in the 'mood' because I do not want the stress there in me thinking 'will this be our baby?' and him thinking 'she only wants me to make a baby'!
So I feel good about this because I can not just sit here and do nothing and watch my cycles come and go - but I also can not take the stress of TTC. So I am doing neither ...and maybe we will be lucky.

Wanting but waiting - again...

So here I am - again. I guess you can say we are officially not TTC any longer. Until I get some answers anyhow. I have been waiting for my appointment and it has not arrived yet so I called my GP back again and he said he sent off the referal the 16th of March - so my appointment could arrive as late as June! Thats a ways off but not too long. I hope it comes sooner.
I am too afraid to try right now. I am filling my time with things that need doing before a baby comes along (such as losing weight - though I am not fat, I just want to be skinny - at least a 'diet' is giving me some control over my own life as everything else seems to be so out of my control right now!) so I can give myself no other choice but to wait. I feel if I try, I am just dooming another new soul to a short life and quick death and I do not know if I can go through that again right now. To be so happy and then have that taken away from me just as quickly.
I feel so out of control. I feel like the world is not fair.
So, back to the 'wanting but waiting tribe' for me.

Another appointment...

So I have called my GP and asked more specifically about the tests that they have done, and even more specifically, if they have done any tests for blood clotting disorders. They have not done any tests for blood clotting disorders and they have done all they can at the GP's - but he has refered me to the hospital now to another fertility specialist where they can check me over more (both inside and out) and see if there is anything they are missing. He thinks, if anything, that it is PCOS (he says that I have low testosterone levels that are just under the 'average' mark and is usually an indicator for PCOS). Which has me confused as my cycles are normal with normal ovulation, etc...But he says that there is more than one type of PCOS. So I will wait for this appointment and go from there!

Chemical Pregnancy

Well thats what they call them, and thats what I think I have had.
I did have three (each on a different brand of - Two different types of internet cheapies and a First Response) positive pregnancy tests (though very faint) last week. But slowly my pregnancy symptoms started to go away (no more tender nipples and no more sore/tender lower back for example) and now...nothing. Not even an evap. Last night I had spotting, so here comes AF. Slightly late as well I think, though I am not sure for this cycle because I ovulated (and thats pretty much confirmed!) so much earlier than I normally would (thanks to the maca!).
Whats wrong with my body? Fates cruel joke? It will happen when I stop trying right? ...Well, how do I stop trying? - How do I stop wanting a baby?
For the next few months I am taking a break...and yeah, I mean it this time. I am going to focus my energy on something else that needs doing - weight loss. We shall see how that goes. I will be using SlimShot (and I don't usually buy/fall for that kind of stuff but I have a few close friends who have used it and lost a stone in a month with no real diet/exercise changes in their life! - So why not? Can't hurt either way). I need some control in my life right now, I feel completly out of it and its making me a very depressed and angry person which in turn is making me not the best mother I can be to the son I already have. Perhaps this will be the start on the road to acceptance and maybe I will be blessed with a bundle of joy along that road as a surprise gift for my patience? Sigh...Why is it that everyone I know seems to have no problem having a baby then? Why is it that they say 'We are going to try for a baby!' and the next thing you know, they are pregnant? Why can't I try too?
Think I will also get blood clotting disorders checked out (if the GP hasn't already).

Evaps - The thin (barely visable) line between hope and disapointment (once again)...

So I am horrible at testing early...so what? There is more to it than that of course. It is an inner struggle. To test early, or not? And how early? And what about fate and luck and everything counted against me? After two miscarriages (even early), you start to get a little paranoid - especially when everyone says 'It will happen when you arn't trying'. That statistical (or so called) based comment just is not helping. Nope. I have tried not trying. I did not try very long. I have even convinced myself that there are months that we should 'skip'...well that logic has just been thrown out the window through desperation.

I just want a baby!

So now I think I ovulated much earlier this cycle. Possibly due to the maca? - Apparently it can cause early ovulation. That early though? At the most I am 13DPO today (CD25) - At the least, 11DPO. So possibly still too early to test? I feel pregnant though - I have all the symptoms. But do I want it so much that all these symptoms (tender nipples, lower back pain, gas, funny taste in my mouth, high creamy cervix...etc) are just in my head. Can TTC make one go clinically insane? I have always wanted to try shrooms...I guess this could be second best?

Evaps can give you hope though! ...There is something there at least (and I have never even had 'something' there when I have not been pregnant!)...I see it I see it!...Well, its not very pink - but its something! Right?... Why are my evaps not getting darker then? No wait...they are! Wait, can evaps get darker? Am I pregnant - I'm not pregnant. I am so depressed. I will not test tomorrow... Too late - stop me now!!! At least all this peeing on sticks helps pass the time. I keep telling myeslf, its not over until the red lady sings! But its not over yet until I see anything remotely pink...PINK! Ugh

Self-Insemination

Right...TTC has been hard on us...in more ways than one.

Some basic first facts about us as a couple...we have a low sex drive. I will not let this make me feel bad or not normal (so I tell myself)- We just have a low sex drive - We (both dh and I) are on the maca this cycle (still no 'sex drive' change though...). DS happened in one night - the only night we had sex that entire month...well that entire time for the next 3 months as well! (yes - low sex drive - im-not-joking)...So how come we are having such a hard time now when we are DTD every other night?! Well the strain is getting to both of us now. DH has been so good about all of this - it has required him make a lot of life style changes (and hes not an easy going type of man about stuff like this)...I am also finding that its really hard work trying to get us both 'in the mood' so to speak...So I had a thought toady and talked with DH about it and he thinks it might work (for more than one reason)...Self-Insemination...
It would mean the pressure is off for us having sex all the time to 'try and make a baby' - so that when we are 'in the mood', its just to make love...But still mean that I get the good stuff in so that we can make a baby (because at our rate, if we are even in the mood enough to BD once a month, I'd be lucky! lol) - because DH doesn't mind ...um...supplying the goods a few times a week (it doesn't require much effort he says lol)...This idea actually has me more relaxed as well - we are just not very sexual people (which is one of the attractions for me as I have never had a high sex drive either...but not good for trying to make a baby iykwim!)...
So, I feel good about this and we will give this a go from now on I think!

Arrgghhh!!!

Well, apprently, one is not supposed to use progesterone cream for all of ones cycle if they are trying to conceive!...Just after one has ovulated (up until 10-12 weeks of pregnancy)...SO...Here I am trying to be all relaxed about this, when I have possibly been preventing myself from ovulating... Which means, once again - Here I am trying to be more relaxed about TTC, when I am just going to have to go back to charting in order to know when to use my progesterone cream! Ugh! I am SO confused about all of this as well!...One of my miscarriages happened when I started to take progesterone cream after I ovulated - I figured I had just not been taking it long enough!...Arrghhh!!!