Evaps - The thin (barely visable) line between hope and disapointment (once again)...

So I am horrible at testing early...so what? There is more to it than that of course. It is an inner struggle. To test early, or not? And how early? And what about fate and luck and everything counted against me? After two miscarriages (even early), you start to get a little paranoid - especially when everyone says 'It will happen when you arn't trying'. That statistical (or so called) based comment just is not helping. Nope. I have tried not trying. I did not try very long. I have even convinced myself that there are months that we should 'skip'...well that logic has just been thrown out the window through desperation.

I just want a baby!

So now I think I ovulated much earlier this cycle. Possibly due to the maca? - Apparently it can cause early ovulation. That early though? At the most I am 13DPO today (CD25) - At the least, 11DPO. So possibly still too early to test? I feel pregnant though - I have all the symptoms. But do I want it so much that all these symptoms (tender nipples, lower back pain, gas, funny taste in my mouth, high creamy cervix...etc) are just in my head. Can TTC make one go clinically insane? I have always wanted to try shrooms...I guess this could be second best?

Evaps can give you hope though! ...There is something there at least (and I have never even had 'something' there when I have not been pregnant!)...I see it I see it!...Well, its not very pink - but its something! Right?... Why are my evaps not getting darker then? No wait...they are! Wait, can evaps get darker? Am I pregnant - I'm not pregnant. I am so depressed. I will not test tomorrow... Too late - stop me now!!! At least all this peeing on sticks helps pass the time. I keep telling myeslf, its not over until the red lady sings! But its not over yet until I see anything remotely pink...PINK! Ugh

Self-Insemination

Right...TTC has been hard on us...in more ways than one.

Some basic first facts about us as a couple...we have a low sex drive. I will not let this make me feel bad or not normal (so I tell myself)- We just have a low sex drive - We (both dh and I) are on the maca this cycle (still no 'sex drive' change though...). DS happened in one night - the only night we had sex that entire month...well that entire time for the next 3 months as well! (yes - low sex drive - im-not-joking)...So how come we are having such a hard time now when we are DTD every other night?! Well the strain is getting to both of us now. DH has been so good about all of this - it has required him make a lot of life style changes (and hes not an easy going type of man about stuff like this)...I am also finding that its really hard work trying to get us both 'in the mood' so to speak...So I had a thought toady and talked with DH about it and he thinks it might work (for more than one reason)...Self-Insemination...
It would mean the pressure is off for us having sex all the time to 'try and make a baby' - so that when we are 'in the mood', its just to make love...But still mean that I get the good stuff in so that we can make a baby (because at our rate, if we are even in the mood enough to BD once a month, I'd be lucky! lol) - because DH doesn't mind ...um...supplying the goods a few times a week (it doesn't require much effort he says lol)...This idea actually has me more relaxed as well - we are just not very sexual people (which is one of the attractions for me as I have never had a high sex drive either...but not good for trying to make a baby iykwim!)...
So, I feel good about this and we will give this a go from now on I think!

Arrgghhh!!!

Well, apprently, one is not supposed to use progesterone cream for all of ones cycle if they are trying to conceive!...Just after one has ovulated (up until 10-12 weeks of pregnancy)...SO...Here I am trying to be all relaxed about this, when I have possibly been preventing myself from ovulating... Which means, once again - Here I am trying to be more relaxed about TTC, when I am just going to have to go back to charting in order to know when to use my progesterone cream! Ugh! I am SO confused about all of this as well!...One of my miscarriages happened when I started to take progesterone cream after I ovulated - I figured I had just not been taking it long enough!...Arrghhh!!!